Sunday, September 23, 2012

Apathy

It's been a really long time since I've been interested in posting.  I think that's the general tone I've got right now.  I wasn't interested.  I'm not super interested now, but I just need the outlet.

The last time I posted was July.  I was waiting to take a pregnancy test.  It was negative.  We went to do a second round of injectables and when they did the baseline ultrasound found I had a cyst on my ovary.  Apparently this is really common.  The doctor put me on birth control for a month and I came back at my next period to check on the cyst.  It was gone, so we went ahead with a second round of injectables with timed intercourse.  That was also negative.  So the past two months, nothing has really happened.

We've decided to move on to IVF.  We had a consultation with the doctor last week and so that's all set up for when my period starts next.  Basically if my period is on time (which that's a joke in and of itself), we're looking at an egg retrieval and implant in November.  If the timing doesn't work out, we'll do it in December (we figure since I'm off the entire month, that's a good time).

I've started going to a local support group and that's been good.  Just a chance to meet with other women and couples who are going through this and can understand helps.

But I'm finding that I'm having a hard time working up any emotions about this whole thing at all.  I'm not really that excited about the IVF.  But I'm not really sad to see all these pictures of a friend's new baby...I just feel like I don't care.  The funny thing is, that's what makes me emotional.  It scares me that I'm so uninterested right now.  Thinking about the IVF and the scheduling just makes me feel like I'm waiting for routine outpatient surgery that's no big deal.  I'm not even getting my hopes up about the IVF.  I just feel like it is what it is.

Maybe that's not quite correct.  It's not that I'm not getting my hopes up as in I expect a negative outcome, but when I think about IVF, I don't get excited.  I don't get that feeling of "Maybe this time!".  It's just, blah.  Yep, we're doing IVF...Whatever...So I was thinking for school next week...

The worst part about all of this is that I don't even want to talk about it with anyone.  Even Joel.  I find I am distancing myself from him and others because I just can't deal with anymore positive bullshit from people.  I don't want to hear how everything will work out in the end and how great it will be when it happens.  You know what?  It might not happen.  So fuck your platitudes and leave me alone.  Thank god people have stopped telling me to relax.  Because I swear I will scream at the next person who says that.