And again, it's been awhile since I've posted. I'm not even sure if that many people are going to read this since I've given up Facebook, which is where I publicized new posts. But as I've stated in the past, this is still partly for my benefit, so I will keep writing. One of my goals for the new year is to write more frequently.
The last post mentioned that we were moving on to IVF. We did an IVF cycle over Nov/Dec. It took a lot longer than I expected it to. Between meds to start my period and then more meds and then multiple doctor visits until my follicles were ready, it was a long time. It didn't work.
Leading up to the IVF I had this intense apathy regarding the whole thing. That continued throughout the cycle. I didn't really care about what was going on. I think some of that was my way of coping emotionally, distancing myself from the up and downs. I also did not have any expectations of success with the cycle. When they called with the results, I was not shocked at all. Whether this was the cause or the result of my apathy, I don't know.
The only real emotion I had was anger. I'm pissed that we spent $10k (out of pocket b/c insurance sucks) for NOTHING. The only thing we got out of it was a couple of extra eggs that developed further after my implant and were frozen to use later. I know this is good and a big deal, but considering the stakes of the intended results, it's a pretty crappy consolation prize. I'm just so angry that we threw away money.
Which has led me closer to being ready for adoption.
At my support group a couple months ago, a couple came and talked about the foundation they had started to support couples going through domestic adoption. (This was before we had even decided on IVF). I realized after hearing them speak that I was nowhere near ready to consider that stage. That has completely changed. I feel like if we're going to be spending all this money, we might as well be putting it towards more of a "guaranteed" result. I know adoption is a long and complicated process, but it seems a little more secure than all of these medical procedures.
I'm not completely there yet, but it wouldn't take much to push me over the edge. However, I know, Joel is not ready. The unsuccessful IVF round hit him a lot harder than it hit me. He expected good news, I didn't. I try to remember that it's not just me this is affecting and this round really drove that home.
So now we need to decide what to do. I've already decided we do nothing until after my next period. I'm so sick of having all of these chemicals in my body that I just want some time to be normal. My periods have been completely wonky (not that their timing was ever normal before, but once I got them, they were always the same). After this we can either go to IUI (something we didn't try before, but we have to do 3 rounds if we want insurance to cover any IVF) or pay for our own IVF again. I'm partially leaning towards paying for our own IVF. I just see the IUI as being a step backwards in effectiveness.
Neither option really excites me. But little does these days.
