Dealing with loss

When we first started trying to get pregnant, I was confident that things would happen quickly. You hear all the time how careful you have to be to avoid unwanted pregnancy. What is the message we're supposed to take away from that?  I assumed it implied how easy it was to get pregnant.  Add to that the fertility genes I had hoped to inherit from my mom and I knew it wouldn't take long for things to happen. In my infinite wisdom I started telling anyone and everyone that this would probably be my last year of teaching.

Soon something did happen. In October, 2010 my period was late. While I was on the pill, my period was regular, practically to the hour. Ever since I stopped taking it, however, it has become very irregular. So I wasn't sure exactly how late it was. We decided to take a test and it came back positive.  I remember being happy, but not surprised.  At the time I was still confident that getting pregnant would happen and so when it did, I was ready.

I called my doctor to schedule an appointment and of course rushed right to the bookstore to buy the classic What to Expect When You're Expecting.  I remember reading through those first few chapters, trying to guess which developmental picture was the closest to what my baby looked like.  At no point in those first couple days did I even think about the possibility of losing it.  Then I started reading about chemical pregnancies.  I think it was then that I started to get a bad feeling.  I don't profess to be psychic or even claim I sense things before they happen.  I just remember having a really bad feeling for a couple days.

Chemical pregnancies occur when the egg is fertilized, but the egg never fully implants into the uterus.  The only way you would even know if they happen is if (like us) you took an early home pregnancy test, got a positive and then a few days to a week later get your period and/or a second pregnancy test with a negative reading.  According to the information I've found, these are actually quite common with sources saying anywhere from 50-70% of pregnancies end in miscarriage (many of those with the woman not even knowing she was pregnant, just having a slightly late period).

Anyways, I had scheduled a doctor's appointment to confirm the pregnancy.  The morning of the appointment I started cramping and spotting.  Normally I do not cramp during my period, so this was unusual.  In the car on my way to the doctor, the cramping was pretty strong and this is when that bad feeling came back.  I'm pretty sure I knew what was coming.

Between this visit and the follow up a few days later, the doctor did a couple of blood tests to compare hormone levels and internal ultrasounds to confirm, but it was determined that I had miscarried.  After that first appointment where we had pretty strong suspicions about the loss, it took everything I had not to cry in that doctor's office.  I did not want them to see me crying over what could hardly be called a pregnancy.  

I'm sure I was no more than a couple weeks in (because of my irregular cycles, I couldn't estimate when that period should have come), but it didn't seem to matter.  I grieved.  I felt guilty about grieving.  I mean, who was I to mourn the loss of two week pregnancy when there are women out there who have lost babies after hearing their heartbeat or giving them a name?  Even today, I still feel a little guilty.

One of the hardest parts about all of it was having to tell my parents.  I wasn't worried that they would be disappointed, I think I just didn't want to admit my embarrassment at having told them so early.  I have, harshly, learned the lesson to keep any pregnancy secret for the first couple months.

Looking back, one of the things I remember the most is how supportive Joel was.  I understand now that it was a loss for him as well, but in the middle of it, all I could see it as was something happening to me.  He has since repeatedly been there for me as we have faced the repeated arrival of my unwanted period.  In some ways our difficulties conceiving have convinced me that much more of what a wonderful father Joel will be.






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